You know, I think possibly the most depressing thing you can read on the internet is when you’ve just discovered someone writing or developing something really cool, only to find that post that says “Sorry guys, I’m just so busy at work, and ‘real life’ is just getting in the way. I’ll still try to give updates regularly, but it’s not looking good from my end.”
It’s depressing for two reasons: firstly, obviously, its something you were really looking forward to, and you know it would have been good if they had been arsed to spend time on it. Secondly, why do they always have to make some stupid joke like putting the phrase ‘real life’ in speech marks or add ‘(tm)’ afterwards or something equally as dumb? Just makes a disappointing post even worse in my opinion.
So that’s why you should all be thankful to me. I never did that to you! I guess I just let you guess that was what was going on…. which… isn’t a whole lot better is it?
Anyway, where were we? Oh yes! That’s right. I said I was going to give you an update on July and August ‘tomorrow’. Half true, I am going to give you an update, you just had to wait a much longer time for it.
July
So July then. July was dominated by the ‘visit’ of Tom, Matt and Ed (henceforth referred to as Strawberry, Bobby and Teddy respectively, for reasons that are top secret, obviously). I got back to Bangkok a day or two before them, rested, chilled, relaxed etc, and then met the intrepid three on Khao San Road on their first night. Have to say they were all looking pretty good after 18 hours of travelling. Not much happened really, got pretty drunk, looked down our noses at a bunch of drunk Irish football hooligans as they sung their hearts out about football or some shit and shook our heads dismissively as they ‘got in there’ with some ‘lovely’ Cambodian-looking women of ill repute.
Can’t really remember much of the next day, memory is a bit hazy, but it was probably uneventful, possibly had a 2 hour taxi ride to Khao San to meet them with a really nice driver who bought me some fried banana. Ace.
The night however, was much more where it was going to be at. I felt given only a short time in Bangkok it was important to show them some of my favourite sights. First stop was Sukhumvit Soi 38 for some amazing street food that was much appreciated by all. Then a short ride to house music haven Q Bar. The night started fairly quiet, stopping at some interesting looking bars on the way (why where there so many girls in them?) relaxing on the roof with some drinks, but soon it was time to hit the dancefloor. Team Handsome + Q Bar dancefloor. Can you guess what happened next? That’s right. Within seconds the Team was hopelessly outnumbered by women on all sides. I guess those Thai girls just couldn’t resist the Team. I had Looksorn with me, Teddy stood strong and resisted to the end, but Strawberry and Bobby honourably ‘took one for the team’ (each that is, they hadn’t been in Bangkok long enough to become that sleazy yet) and we danced the night away. Much drunken fun was had and while some dropped out about 2:30ish after Q Bar closed, Tommy and Bobby disappeared off to some after-hours place, not to be seen again for a good 12 hours.
The next day again was fairly quiet after finally meeting up we went to Chatuchak, where a waitress spilled Tom’s drink over everything. Again, the night would be more interesting.
Having experienced some of the more “Dionysian” delights on offer the night before, Looksorn was keen to show that the majority of Thai people were a bit more ‘respectable’ when they went out so tonight would be spent in trendy-as-f*ck Thong Lo. The bar we ended up at was Booze, a typical Thai place rammed to the rafters with an impressive house band and lots and lots of whisky. Good fun was had – some of which is viewable in video format on my Facebook page - again the Team put in an impressive performance showing off their whisky-drinking skills, dancing to Thai rock music and mixing with the local trendy kids. We then cruised around looking for after-hours places and headed for Patpong, which unfortunately we never had time to do properly. We spent about 5 minutes in old-skool GC-style trance club Lucifer (which was dead despite playing Tiesto – Lethal Industry!) until Teddy realised his camera was gone. Gutted. Put a bit of a dent in things and we headed home, disappointed that an awesome night ended in… disappointment.
All of this of course was just the beginning, the Team’s Illiad, if you will. Our Odyssey would be spent on the island of Samui. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, indeed if I was to write up our exploits, I would be writing tens of thousands of words, so instead, just enjoy these pictures. They will tell you more than I ever could.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=37358&l=d4cb6&id=553525293
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=37369&l=f3fbe&id=553525293
And thus the adventure came to an end. Matt headed back after getting back to Bangkok, Strawberry and Teddy ventured on to Krabi and Koh Phi Phi, where tales of slaying dragons, saving kingdoms from destruction and returning the One True Ring to the land of Mordor abound… though you’ll have to ask them yourselves for the details. They eventually came back to Bangkok by bus(!) and after some shopping they too departed for home. I met up with them for a few hours before work which I had just started again.
Arriving back at work, I found things to be, unsuprisingly, monumentally crap. Turns out that while I was away on my quest, every single teacher had made plans to leave the branch. Vincent (head teacher) got in an argument with the branch manager and was being ‘relocated’. Peter (Czech, nice guy really smart but a bit ‘bookish’) was going to university. Giovani (Italian, bald, 40, not very bright, slightly tubby, very gay and madly in love with me…) was going back home. Vinny (30-ish, um… bit of a ‘bernard’ (I’ll explain that one another time) nice guy though) was leaving to work somewhere else.
Which left me pretty much on my own. A frantic search for a new job was met with employers invariably losing my CV, forgetting applications, dithering about and generally stuffing up resulted in me being stuck forced to sign another contract at ECC much to my disappointment. One by one, the other teachers left, with Vincent predicting a virtual in-branch apocalypse once he was gone. Curiously though, it never happened.
August
August continued this pattern of events. I’d find myself teaching 40 hours one week and 10 the next, with lessons and students constantly being moved about and sometimes totally forgotten about, but it never got unbearable.
I went to Krabi with Looksorn and some of her work friends at the beginning of August which should have been amazing, only I was struck down with a vile fever the night before (whaddathechanceseh?!) which consigned me to bed for nearly the whole trip and was very crap. Despite this, Krabi was incredibly beautiful and the resort we stayed at was also amazing. I did make it to Koh Hong which is honest to God the most beautiful place on earth and I was well glad I braved the journey there. Have to agree with Teddy and Strawberry’s analysis though, not much to do in Krabi, is there really? Still if you have to be ill anywhere in the world, there’s a good place to do it.
Couple of other events of note that occurred in August: firstly, Looksorn found an amazing Japanese restaurant in Silom and we went there with Nuch (one of her friends). Afterwards ‘just for a laugh’ we went to Patpong to by some ‘dvds’ (ok, we were looking for dirty ones. One I picked up was a Mexican one called Y Tu Mama Tambien which actually turned out not to be that dirty at all, but actually an incredible film that I highly recommend to everyone – over 18 - to watch) and visit some ‘bars’.
The bar we ended up in was called ‘Super Pussy’. Er… yes. A few post-op ladyboys and some fat girls on a stage inserting various things into various parts of their bodies. I never understood all those people that are like: “Ohmygod we’re in Bangkok we’ve just got to go to Patpong and see a sex show”. I’d always though they would be shit, and anyone who’s seen a half-decent porno has probably seen all they’d want to already.
One of the things bars like ‘Super Pussy’ are famous for is scamming you on drinks. They’ll intice you in with lots of offers only to completely shaft you and try and charge you way more than you thought you would have to pay. Well… we bought some drinks, should have been 300 Baht (allegedly) and they ended up charging us 1000 Baht. Typically the next stage after you obviously protest to the waitress is that some ball-breaker bar manager comes out and bullies you into paying up, you then leave pissed off and 700 Baht worse than you expected.
Theoretically. Usually. This is what happens most of the time. Only this time, they were trying to do this to Looksorn.
So, they charge us way too much. The waitress goes off to get the bar manager, and battle commences. It’s a bit like the bit in the movie where the guy starts a fight with Bruce Lee or Tony Jaa or whoever without realising who they’re messing with. Khun Ball-Breaker starts with her usual line of “Why you not pay?! etc, etc, this how much you owe us bla bla bla” and Looksorn launches into full attack mode “Are you taking the piss you stupid bitch?! What the hell are you talking about?! Why would I ever pay that much for a couple of beers?!” Khun Ball-Breaker protests, but to no avail. Looksorn is nowhere near giving up. Shocked at seeing such resistance, and in a sign of desperation, Ball-Breaker wheels out the old classic “Hey, we’re both Thai, why you talk to me this way?!” (Thai people always use their natural affiliation with each other to try to calm disputes, you see). Again, it is useless against someone of equal vocal skill and a much higher intellect “Yeah we’re both Thai, so why the fuck are you charging me so much?!” Ball-Breaker falters – she’s just not used to this. Looksorn strikes the killing blow – “Get the manager” “But the manager will just say the same as me…” “Like the hell I care. I’m bored of talking to you, you’re an idiot.” Ball-Breaker is down and out of ammunition. “Ok… I’ll get you your money back, but really…. ok, ok, I’m sorry about all this…”
And we left. Brave move though, given Khun Ball-Breaker’s manager is probably some mafioso who could have had us all wiped out in an instant, if he was honestly at all interested in 700 Baht, which he obviously wouldn’t have been… right?
Last incident for August is one that is sure to make you laugh out loud. Towards the end of the month I start teaching a course over at an office in Bangkok’s industrial area. Things start off fairly normal, the office is nice, the class is a decent size, quite friendly, totally mismatched to the level of the book they’re studying but we forge ahead anyway. I do notice one quite young and very effeminate looking chap who looked as though he came in his pants when he saw me… slightly unsettling but nothing I’m not used to here.
Next lesson I come back and the class files in again. Young gay chap now has his shirt pretty much unbuttoned to his navel, and two of his ‘associates’ come in. Slightly older, and with a much higher level of English they come in and sit one on each side of me. Smiling coyly they tell me that they’ll ‘help’ me this lesson and immediately start (quite irritatingly) translating everything I’m saying into Thai, rushing around to sort out CD players for me and getting me water. It’s ok, I think, I’m in another company’s office, rise above it, stay professional, it’s a Business English lesson.
Pretty much as I’d have guessed anyway, the ‘questions’ start. “Where are you from?” “England, near London” “How old are you?” “25″ “ooooh so young! Like a baby!” they purr in soft feminine tones and the rest of the class (mostly middle-aged women) titters along with the jokes. I was starting to feel slightly awkward, wondering how long they would keep this up. “How long you stay in Thailand?” “About 2 years, I stayed here for about 6 months, went home for a few months and then came back last year.” “So why you come back?” I saw my chance and grabbed it. “er… to be with my girlfriend.”
The whole room recoils in shock. A gasp of disbelief is followed by a deathly silence. All three of the young gentlemen look distraught. Finally one breaks the silence: “You mean…. you like girls?!” “er… yeah… sorry.” I mumble. The class recovers with giggles and jokes at the three gays look of disappointment. “that’s… that’s ok” one of them says, trying to regain face. The lesson contiues vaguely as normal.
I didn’t have to teach there again, thankfully but that moment belonged in an EFL-teacher version of The Office. Seriously. You’re just not used to having to openly defend your sexuality in an office environment in British culture, specially not in front of a whole group of people, specially not when you’re a visitor to that company. And having to justify being straight, in an English class, as a teacher, in a company conference room in for crying out loud! Just fucking absurd!
Well… that’s as much as I can remember of the fantastical events of July and August as I can remember them. Hope they were as exciting for you as they were for me. Anyhow, I’m off to rest my tired fingers.
See you all later, stay in touch.
Mat
